After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
