Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
