i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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