The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
