Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
