I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I want her autograph on my taint
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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