Only a mothe r could love this liver
i wish my penis had a tongue
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
