Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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