Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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