I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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