there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Dick very happy bro
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
