Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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