My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
