weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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