well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize