My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
