I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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