Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
