I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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