When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
