Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
