Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
