she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
