I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
