Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
