I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
