I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
