I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it was like eating out sand paper
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
