If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Randomize