no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
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