I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
