those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
