GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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