someone get that fucking seahorse.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
