Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize