It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize