i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
