ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
