Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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