True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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