u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
