i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
