I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
