My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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