I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
