DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
