Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
