i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize