You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
