saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
