cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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