my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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