Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
