The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need to align my fucking chakras
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
