I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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