How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
