Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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