I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
