We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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