You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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