one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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